Something to tell Kanji
by Meredith Mary
Summary: Naoto gets lost in her own thoughts whilst walking by the river with Kanji. One shot. I fancied taking a spin inside Naoto's head.
Golden leaves slowly drifted down the Samegawa, occasionally disturbed by the fish. It was a crisp autumn day. Naoto could hear the wind rushing through the trees, children bickering in the distance, and the laboured breathing of her friend Kanji a few paces behind her. It was strange, what others might call silence. It would seem that _awkward_ silence and _true_ silence were very different things.

She had asked Kanji to meet her here today, so that they could talk about something she'd been meaning to for a while.

And the reason he was standing a few feet behind her? She speculated her shirt had something to do with it. It had been a gift from the girls. All of them had gone on a daytrip to the city, and she couldn't because of a case she was working on, so they had picked out this shirt for her when they went on a shopping trip. It was a dusty deep blue, with buttons and trimmings and a little neck tie in bottle green, well made and quality fabric. The kind of thing she'd have picked out for herself, but with one important difference.

It was a woman's shirt. Designed to fit a woman's body. Like hers. It buttoned up all the way to the top, without her needing her binder. In fact, it looked wrong with it. So she had worn one of her seldom used bras instead. She'd been trying to do that more often anyway, at least when she was only around her friends.

It was more comfortable than she would have thought it would be, in more ways than one. Her chest didn't feel quite so constricted, and she didn't feel quite as self-conscious as she thought she might. But there was still a nagging worry that she might bump into to one of her colleagues. Everyone she knew in an informal nature was already aware of her gender, but she had managed to keep it a secret from her employers and collaborators in the police. More by luck than anything else. She hoped to keep it up for as long as possible.

Though she couldn't help but suspect that detective Dojima knew. Her and her friends had spent so much time at Nanako's house that he must have overheard her being referred to with female pronouns.

Maybe one day she'd go dressed in a shirt like this. She could imagine his face. She'd stare him down and say _I hope I have your discretion,_ then continue like nothing had happened.

She had decided she'd dress like this more, when the situation allowed it. She could tell she looked good. It was an odd feeling.

But maybe it was a little unfair on Kanji, trying his hardest to pretend he hadn't noticed.

She stopped walking for a second and turned to her friend so he'd have no reason not to walk beside her.

Kanji Tatsumi. The delinquent knitter. A childhood spent being pushed away by both boys and girls for not fitting in. It least he had tried, where she hadn't. Somewhere along the way he got lost and ended up bleaching his hair and beating up a biker gang. That was what his name had begun to mean, what would have been his legacy.

What did she do? She became the Detective Prince.

They definitely made quite the pair. Two walking contradictions.

He was the big, scary guy who knits stuffed toys for his friends in his spare time. He'd made her a cuddly Sukona Hikona for her birthday. He also beat up monsters with a folding chair.

And her? The boy who was secretly a girl. The girl who's doesn't know whether to be mad at a male dominated society or mad that she wasn't born male. The girl who wants to be considered a serious adult and a professional, but spends her limited spare time glued to action TV shows and still reads childish detective novels even if she figured out who did it in the first chapter.

But Kanji isn't a duality. His pieces fit together. Having a violent temper and liking handicrafts aren't mutually exclusive, and the one time he did attack strangers it was because of fears for his mother's health. At the core of it he's someone who cares too much, someone who loves too hard.

And her? Yes, she does have certain masculine personality traits, but splitting herself up from the inside wasn't helping anyone. Being logical and able to control your emotions isn't exclusively in the male domain. Keeping her hair short and preferring men's fashion was a matter of taste. It wasn't her fault that society considered _Neo Featherman_ as something for little boys. She could build and repair a computer. It's a useful skill. It's not her fault it's considered masculine.

 _It's not her fault that her vocation is considered a male profession._

Her train of thought is interrupted.

"Uh, Naoto?"

She turned to her friend. He was flushed. It rare for her to see him any other way when they were alone.

"Its nice weather today."

Naoto smiled.

"Yes, it is most clement."

Kanji pulled a familiar face.

"It's nice," she reiterated.

Kanji stood up straight.

"Naoto, you look …."

Kanji stopped mid-sentence, looking at her without really seeing, eyes unfocused.

"Yes, Kanji-kun?"

"…. you look over there."

"Over where?"

Kanji lifted his arm limply to point to the river.

"There was a fish."

Naoto humoured him.

"Ah yes. I see it."

"I - I see it too."

Yes. The fish that wasn't there.

Naoto really valued Kanji's friendship. He was a loyal ally, if not the most academic of her friends.

But it was mostly because he liked her. Really liked her. That was a terrible reason to want to keep someone around, and she knew it.

Everyone knew. They all knew, and thought that she didn't. She had overheard people saying _when is Naoto going to figure it out? It's so obvious._ It was obvious, and even if it weren't, Yosuke making jokes about it in front of the both of them would have given it away. Of course she knew. She was the ace detective Shirogane.

He even liked her before he knew she was a girl. He just liked who she was as a person. She'd never stop being grateful for that.

But she didn't like him the same way. She never had. She had been far too scared to confront him, but leaving it alone was unfair on him. He needed to move on. Maybe one day they'd be able to have a normal conversation as friends. She knew she needed to tell him, the sooner the better.

It would hurt him, but it wasn't easy for her either.

"Hey," came kanji's voice. "What was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Hmm."

"You said on the phone you had something important to tell me."

He was too nervous to smile but she could tell that he was happy that she'd asked to spend time with him.

She didn't want to pull the trigger.

"I wanted to ask you if I could employ you to make a scarf and glove set for my grandfather's birthday?"

"Oh," he replied, surprised. "You could 'a asked me by text, ya'know."

"Yes, but I thought it might be nice to talk to the expert about it in detail, exchanging ideas, really get in depth about colours and -" she paused "-yarn and, uh, learn about different types of knitting."

Kanji's face lit up.

"Of course! When's your old man's birthday?

June.

"Early November, is that alright?"

Any other detective would have caught the note of insincerity in her voice, but it was lost on Kanji.

"I'll pay you well of course."

"I can't charge you, you're a friend."

"You charged Yosuke."

"Yeah, well, that was Yosuke. He was making those jokes again and I was pissed."

"At least let me pay for materials," Naoto insisted.

"No, I won't take a penny off you."

"It's cold. Do you want to move this conversation to Aiya? My treat, of course."

"Ok," said Kanji happily, "You don't have to ask me twice."

She would have to tell him another day. 


End file.
